


Liberate Me

by Emma_HT



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, JiHan, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 22:35:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7140371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emma_HT/pseuds/Emma_HT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeonghan-ah, why won't you release me of your prison. Unchain me from your scent, release me of your being. I'm not strong enough, I can't control myself. Your eyes, your smile, your voice beckons me to places I shouldn't go, thoughts I shouldn't think, images I shouldn't see. I don't want to step over the line and brake the bond. I don't want to brake us. Free my soul of your grasp.....set me free-</p><p> </p><p>Liberate me-</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="small">Lv.3</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Predebut

3:30 Pledis Practice room

 

 

 

He couldn't put into words when it all exactly happened,the exact moment,the exact time. He couldn't put into words the exact moment his thought processes amended,when his emotions mutated,when his views revised. His sentiments,alongside the apace of his heart beat became impenetrable, feelings of nervousness,self contentious and jealousy often weighed him down, revolving his emotions.

 

It was irritating, tiresome, galling. Every moment his breath would quicken, and the room would go spinning, his words cut short and palms sweating strangled him little by little, second by second, bit by bit; pulling him to a place he all but wanted to be, until all he saw saw was **him**. All he breathed was **him**. Until everything he wanted to feel was **him**. 

 

So _tempting, inviting, alluring_... _irresistible_. Sitting so close, but being so restricted. Standing so close but being so limited. Wanting to touch more than he was allowed, hold more than he was allowed, take more than he was allowed. Fighting the want, the craving, the desire, with blood stained finger tips, upshot from the digging of his nails in his flesh.

 

Why question 'why' was more then known. He _knew_. Joshua knew _exactly_ why. From every glance,every touch,every call of his name, every whisper that set his being ablazed. It embedded itself into his brain, albeit he knew it was iniquitous, opposite of how he was raised, how he was indoctrinated. Opposite of everything his parents believed in.

 

He knew why. Against his hopes, his wishes, his pleas for false truth. He knew pin point exactly why.

 

Yoon Jeonghan.

 

Two simple words, names, titles, yet they held so much power over him. 

 

Imprisoning, detaining, hindering. 

 

The many ways he _thought_ about him... _looked_ at him, was like an adrenaline, so much _energy_ , _animation_ ; so much _vitality_ to-

 

"Jisso-ah. Hey, jisoo, are you okay?" 

 

So much, for so _many_ ways.

 

"Hmm? ah.....yeah....I'm fine"

 

The warm touch, hold, planted on his forehead enhanced the inclination of ardor linked within his veins. The softness of his skin, the gentleness of his caress originated a new rhythm of his heart, blood pumping to every _**direction**_ of his body.

 

"Are you sure?"

 

His cold hands reached up,taking hold of the thin fingers rested on his head out of concern and held them tightly, thumb brushing the smoothness of his flesh briefly before letting go.

 

"Yeah. Don't worry." 

 

The older male proceeded on with his singing, vocalizing the foreign words of english the best he could, stammering every so often, groaning at each solecism in ways that emboldened lascivious cogitations. His skin craved for contact, a small graze of shoulders, the rubbing of knees, the meeting of fingers, a glance between eyes.

 

 _Anything_... _Everything_ , to sooth his wants, to rid of these _feelings_ , these _thoughts_ , these _**images** _. To free his being, his soul, his mind of the boy next to him, to purify himself again. Fallow his up bringing, view comparably as society, fall away from the corruptness, brake free of the disgrace of immoral things, _temptations_... _ **lust**_.__

 

Outlet, channel, outfall it. All of it. Run to safety. Gain sanity, rid of the obsession...breath freely. 

 

 **Detach**.

 

If only it was simple, easy. If only he had enough aptitude, enough self control. 

 

 _ **Jeonghan-ah, why won't you release me of your prison. unchain me from your scent, release me of your being. I'm not strong enough, I can't control myself. Your eyes, your smile, your voice beckons me to places I shouldn't go, thoughts I shouldn't think, images I shouldn't see. I don't want to step over the line and brake the bond. I don't want to brake us. Free my soul of your grasp.....set me free**_.

 

Shameful, dirty, disgusting, dishonorable, disreputable, ignoble.

 

 

He should know better. 

 

He _does_ know better. The acknowledgement of right and wrong were perspicuous, staring him in the face, mocking him, laughing at him. Hong _Joshua_ : _Jehovah is generous. Jehovah saves_. 

 

 _Save me of these wrongs_.

 

"Lets listen to a korean song. I'm getting tired of english." 

 

 _Save me_.

 

"Sure, what song..." 

 

 

 

 

 _Liberate Me_.


	2. Detach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotional detachment, in psychology, can mean two different things. In the first meaning, it refers to an "inability to connect" with others emotionally, as well as a means of dealing with anxiety by preventing certain situations that trigger it; it is often described as "emotional numbing", "emotional blunting", or dissociation, depersonalization or in its chronic form depersonalization disorder. In the second sense, it is a decision to avoid engaging emotional connections, rather than an inability to do so, typically for personal, social, or other reasons. In this sense, it can allow people to maintain boundaries, psychic integrity, and avoid undesired impact by or upon others related to emotional demands- WikiP

"How’s everything going over there baby?"

 

 

"Everything's uh....going well."

 

"You don't sound too happy."

 

"I'm just a bit tired. We've been practicing a lot lately."

 

"Ah, I see. How long do you guys practice?"

 

"About seven to ten hours."

 

"Isn't that too much?"

 

"No. We do a lot of conditioning, and vocal practice runs for about three hours"

 

"A day?"

 

"Yeah.”

"Be careful not to strain for voice too much. And make sure you are singing from your diaphragm and not your throat."

 

"I am mom, don't worry"

 

" If you say so. How are the boys"

 

"They’re doing great. Vernon and Mingyu are writing up new lyrics for a new song yesterday, Hoshi says he has some new dance moves he wants us all to try and I tough Minghao some new English phrases"

 

"Sounds interesting. Is Minghao the one who does wushu?"

 

"No, that's Jun. Minghao is the one who's really good at b-boying and has big eyes."

 

"Oh, the one who always looks like one of those chibi characters you’re really into."

 

"If you want to put it that way."

 

"Are they working you too hard?"

 

"No, the companies been great about letting us rest. It's just a busy time for us."

 

"I'm sure, you guys probably have a lot going on, on your schedules."

 

"Yeah.....................I really miss you, mom"

 

"I miss you too baby."

 

"How's dad doing?"

 

" He’s doing fine. His boss gave him a raise-."

 

"Really? That's great"

 

"Yeah, he gets home late at lot, but I can't really blame him. He really misses you, you know"

 

"I miss him too."

 

"Every morning before work he goes into your room and prays for you, and every night he asks if you called."

 

"Is he there right now?"

 

"No, he left for work a few hours ago. You should try giving him a call, he worries about you."

 

"I will."

 

"Well, I should let you go. I'm sure you have a lot of important things to get done. I love you, Joshua."

"Yeah, I love you too mom. Bye"

 

\---

 

de·tach  
[dəˈtaCH]

 

VERB  
1\. disengage (something or part of something) and remove it:

Synonyms: unfasten · disconnect · disengage · separate · **uncouple** ·  
[More]  
remove · loose · unhitch · unhook · **free** · pull off · cut off · break off  
**Antonyms** : **attach**  
 be easily removable:

 (detach oneself from) Junghan  
Leave or separate oneself from (a group- **person** \- or place):

Synonyms: unfasten · disconnect · disengage · separate ·  
[more]  
uncouple · remove · loose · unhitch · unhook · free · pull off · cut off · break off  
Antonyms: attach  
 **(detach oneself from)** Junghan  
**Avoid or put an end to any connection or association with** : Junghan

Synonyms: free oneself from Junghan · **separate oneself from** ·  Junghan  
[More]  
segregate oneself from · move away from · split off from · _leave_ · **abandon** · dissociate oneself from · divorce oneself from · alienate oneself from · separate (oneself) from · segregate oneself from · isolate oneself from · cut oneself off from · **break away from** · disaffiliate oneself from · defect from · _leave_ · _quit_ · **withdraw from** · _break with_

 

 

The reverberation of _his_ voice, _his_ mollifying fragrance of jasmine and vanilla, shepherd the feelings of culpability anchoring his heart.The digression of everything he felt, everything they felt, smoldered his heart in agony. Being so close, but not close enough for reassurance, the words of 'just give me time' 'this won't last forever' 'please know that I could never hate you' so desperately yearned for declaration. If only he was strong enough. If only he had the faith to believe that everything would end. How soon was soon?. Each passing moment lacerated his mind, like knives impaling his flesh. The pain was there, it was transparent through his eyes, transparent through his voice. The luminosity his orbs once held dissipated, his shoulders, once held high with elation slumped ever so slightly. As much as he tried to dissimulate that he was alright, that the reason he looked so enervated was from lack of sleep and rest, the truth discernibly percolated through.

 

He missed _him_.

 

He missed _him_ a lot.

 

And it hurt. It hurt them both, strongly, deeply, heartily; But it was for the better....right?

To keep them both in a safe place.

To keep _him_ "safe", to keep their-nonexistent-"friendship" safe, to keep his remaining sanity safe.

 

Detaching yourself, easier said than done.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

"You've all spent years training and preparing, spending countless hours in these practice rooms. You've worked very to get where you are now, and I want to congratulate you. But, just because you've reached your goal and debuted doesn't mean the challenge stops here. You guys are now public icons, you are artists, singers, and dancers. The public will have their eyes on you almost 24/7. They will look closely at every single little thing you do or say and will anticipate that moment when you make a mistake. There is no such thing as a 'private life'. Cameras will always be on you, even when you think you're alone. Do not act on impulse, think before you do anything. You guys are new to this industry, and you've worked too hard to get here. It's not going to be easy, or relaxing. You are expected more of, you've been given higher standards and you will be pushed harder. We don't 100% anymore, we expect 200. You won't have much time to relax, your schedules will be packed, and fee time will be minimal. You haven't been able to see your families that often, often now turn to rarely. This is a fight for survival; there are several other amazing groups out there. It doesn't matter that you guys are rookies, if you want to continue in your careers you have to bring more than your best. Because the public gets bored easily, and if you fail to bring something worth listening to, watching, seeing, then it’s over. I'm not saying this to bring you down, or to scare you. I say this to prepare you, to warn you that as you progress, and as you become more and more popular, more and more is expected, and you will have to work harder and harder. I have faith in every single one of you. This company has faith in you, and your parents have faith in you. Don't let them down, don't let me down. I hope that as time goes on you all will continue to grow into better artists. Understand"

 

"Yes, sir!!"

 

"Good, you are free to go. Rest well tonight, we have a busy day tomorrow."

 

"Thank you, sir!"

 

 

 

6:47 AM.

 

It was dark, the sky, almost black; like an immense hole. The negligible amount of clouds engendered the beautiful view of the stars, weaving beautiful patterns he discerned his eyes tracing. He liked it. The air was cold, tingling his skin and freezing his lungs with every intake of breath. His skin would break out with sensitive bumps with each passing of wind and a small shiver would scurry down his spine. He liked it. The tranquil breeze dancing through his hair, scattering across his scalp, he liked it. The height, the interval of the grown below to the concrete of which his feet stood upon. He liked it. The honking of cars and chanting of people below, the flow of the city, the lights from the tall buildings, shops, traffic.

 

 

He liked it.

 

 

It was close, the feeling of freedom. So close.

 

 

But still so far.

 

 

Reachable yet still unreachable.

 

 

"This is as close as I'll get."

 

 

With each passing second, lulling his rejuvenation state of mind, numbed by anything and everything around him as he closed his eyes, he still couldn't shake off the emotions, the impelling thoughts, and images of his long-haired band mate.

 

"But no matter what I do, you'll always find your way back into my mind"

 

Was he Obsessed? Tenaciously shunning someone and yet he couldn't purge his thoughts of them. No...He wasn't obsessed. Infatuated? The impregnable longing to kiss him, to hold him, to make lov-

 

No...He wasn't infatuated.

 

Preoccupied?

 

Maybe

 

 

Absorbed?

 

Maybe

 

In love? Yes....no....maybe?

 

He sighed, eyes gazing at his entwined fingers rested upon the rusty railing. The rough suffice felt queer on his skin, small loose scraps of corrosion skewering his flesh. Does it really matter? Titling his problem as if it would aid him or maybe extricate him. "If anything I'm crazy"

 

Crazy?...Yes.

 

" **I'd say**."

 

The American boy visibly contracted. The syllables of each word enunciated almost felt foreign. How long had it been sine’s he'd spoken English?

 

" **What are you doing up here man**?"

 

Joshua faced the younger male, expression almost stony as he exhaled leisurely, hair descending atop his eyes.

 

 _It's fine, your fine. he's not Junghan, you can relax_.

 

" **When did you get here**?" 

 

" **Just now...you look tense**."

 

Apprehensive, he didn't want to be apprehensive. The cascade of unsolicited inquiry spoken with concern and worry, he didn't want to deal with them. He wanted peace and quiet, to be alienated. The scrutinizing eyes of his band mates, company, stirred exasperation more than often detectable, acting circumspectly with the inkling thought of 'they're catching on' 

 

" **Joshua**."

" **I came up here to relax**."

_To get away from everyone_

" **It doesn't look like it's working……...look, about what happened earlier, it was supposed to be a joke**."

 

Earlier. The quondam events which took place within the green walls of their practice room

 

 _2:15 Pledis practice room_.

 

 _The delicate utter of his name, spoken with such lucid hesitance acknowledge him of who it was without having to look up from where he was perched_.

 _He didn't look up. The persona of the older male alternated the air around him, his heart picking up speed. He went against his will to ask what the elder wanted_.

 _It was spoken quickly, never the less his brain organized the gibberish words of 'How do you say "Will you be mine" in English' taking a few moments to process the question before answering. He could feel Junghan's anxious smile as he shifted from foot to foot, nut-brown eyes never leaving his figure_.

_" **Will you be mine**."_

_" **Oh my god yes**!"_

_It was the loud, obnoxious laughter, chortle of his band mates that had him realize exactly what had happening. The clapping of hands from amusement, holding of stomachs as some rolled on the floor and the repetitive words of "I'm gonna pee. Oh god I'm gonna pee my pants!" and "Jungahn-hyung strikes again"_

 

 _ **They're laughing at me. They're mocking me. They're mocking me.They're mocking me**_.

_His chest tightened with anger, hands fisting with irritation, indignation as he stood and exited the room._

 

Earlier, the quondam events which took place within the green walls of their practice room

 

" **Junghan thought it wo** -" 

 

 

" **Is it time to go**."

 

 

".............. **yeah**..."

 

 

" **Then let’s go**."

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

 

The trickling of rain drops upon the window, meeting one another halfway before welding as one oddly gave him a warmth of equanimity, albeit the loud prattle of his band mates made it hard to discern the small voice of his thoughts.

 

Joshua reposed his head against on top of his seat-belt, neglecting the spike of pain in his neck due to the unnatural position, gaze never averting from the large piece of glass constructed inches away from his head.

 

 

The world passed by in a vague blur as the bus propelled promptly, every now and then halting at the pendulous blaring color of red oscillating overhead with the raucous wind.

 

 

He hated long rides.

 

 

Though he considered this one shorter than most, the extent of miles from their studio to their dorm was nothing compared to the long hours of driving to performances, interviews, and photoshoots.

 

 

Sill 15 minutes was more than enough time spent perched in his seat, constrained to listen to whatever came from the others, whether it be abominable singing, puerile arguments over stupid childish things or the loud ghastly sound of laughter. 

 

 _Only 5 more minutes...just a little bit more, then you can get Mingyu's slobbering face off your shoulder_.

 

 

Joshua sighed, for what felt like the one-hundredth time that night. Mingyu's-slobbering- face repositioned itself in the crook of his neck, undulating back and forth, every so often slipping from its place, his hand steadying the movement and placing it back in its place. As much as he disliked the closeness, bodies ludicrously compressed alongside each other, he couldn't deny comfort for his dongsaeng.

 

 

_Just a bit more_

 

 

He could feel the burning stares of culpability, the hesitant eyes of Junghan from the other side of the bus. He had overlooked the elder’s advances to redress the situation, neglecting the meek calls of his name, the fastidious tugs of his shirt, the light graze of svelte insubstantial fingers upon his elbow, animating the titillating yen he tried to avoid. And while the average person may have easily saluted to his pursues to endeavor an apology, Joshua couldn't bring himself to spare a glance at the long haired male. He didn't want to.

 

 

 

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

 _1:30 Pledis practice room_.

 

_“5,6,7,8..”_

 

 _Sundry pairs of feet, gyrated by the smooth melodic tempo bellowing throughout the spaced room, saturated by the thin delicate walls advanced upon the wooden floors_.

 

 _Sundry pairs of legs, fatigued from long hours of gesticulation to rhythmic locution halted upon the closing_.

 

 _Ragged breaths, exhaled with the rising and falling of firm chests obscured the pellucid mirrorbr huddling over, with hands deposited atop his knees Joshua found his eyes gazing upon the unnerve figured glued against the far corner_.

 

 _ **His** hands restful in his lap, legs traversed gracefully resembling that of a girl. **His** eyes; gentle yet freighted. **He** would fidget, shoulders quivering, teeth piercing the smooth delicate surface of **his** lips as their eyes met in a long tense hold_.

 

_**The new kid** _

 

 _Unfitting with the neighboring frames of trainees within the adequate room, **he** looked incapacitated as well as diminutive, body not yet in the presence of pubescence_.

 

_**Cute** _

 

 _A gentle smile grasped the American male’s lips upon the sigth_.

 

 _The fallowing seconds had enfolded ephemerally, legs accredited forward by the sheer will of curiosity seething within the American boy, admittance of personal space overlooked as he seated himself beside the trepidatious male_.

 

 

 _Joshua’s indefatigable three words spoken with clement phlegm conducted the inherent pull of lips fastened in a congenial simper_.

“ _Hi, I’m Joshua_.”

 _“I’m Junghan_.”

______________________________________

There is a second part to this, maybe third.....maybye.....because I'm a VERY busy person it might not be up for a little while, but I'll try to update it soon


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